Love and stuff...

So, I've been thinking about this for weeks and weeks... love... how does that work... I get that it's a chemical reaction in our brains... but if that's all it is, it seems like it should make more sense than it does...

Flowers and Concrete I

... in that serendipitous, things-come-together sort of way, I started thinking about it a few days before I read this blog post (go read it - it's short, beautiful, and to my eventual point)... it was linked off another blog, one that I don't always read, and rarely follow links off of, even when I do read it... I felt like it was one of those universe-conspiring-to-hit-me-over-the-head moments, but one that I didn't know what to do with once I was hit... and yet I've returned to it again... and again...

It had come on the heels of several deep conversations with good friends about my relationship status (in general, not with them)... I know and appreciate that I have these amazing relationships where I can talk about the crazy and the serious, the world-changing and the fluffy marshmallow filling, too...

And I know that I do love... I love my friends, my sisters, the family I've made out of mismatched, crazy, never-should-have-worked friendships... it may not be "traditional" love, and certainly, it's not always expressed in traditional ways - I just can't seem to do that, the traditional love. The normal love. The expected love... but it's real... and big... and deep... and sometimes so incredibly painful... and just love... but different...

So that makes me wonder is there is something missing in me, something that makes love work like it's supposed to... maybe my chemicals are messed up, or combine differently... so the random blog post by a random stranger - one I've never encountered before, and might not again, even on the internet because I don't follow her blog - speaks so exactly to how I've been thinking about love...

Flowers and Concrete II

I still don't know what to do with it...

A return to blogging...

I have been feeling an itch lately - undefined, back-of-my-brain, peripheral dissatisfaction with the way things are. It has been hard to pin down, and not just because its appearance like ghostly images in the corner of my eye... but also because there are so many things in my life that are going well - my friends, my job, my hobbies... though I definitely could be practicing my new mandolin more, I'm pretty sure that is not what is causing this nebulous worry. I'd let my online reading languish, my To Be Read pile has grown, while I've buried myself in comfort reads, revisiting old favorites; and indulging in new brain candy in the form of "The Big Bang Theory" - an all-six-seasons binge. And while these pass-times are enjoyable - who doesn't love a good "bazinga", they have, ultimately, not been satisfying.

So today I did the dishes I'd been ignoring in the sink, cleaned out my reader, and caught up on blogs - the physical housecleaning morphing into a mental one. And I was led to this quote:

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. 

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.  

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.”  

~James Kavanaugh- "There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves"

It so neatly sums up my own discontent, not new to me, but recently quite strongly felt... I have been ignoring my inner searcher, burying it under the minutiae of daily life. And this is not an acceptable state of being. Not for me.

And this lead to the further realization that I missed writing. Not the writing I've been playing at with a novel idea, nor the more serious writing of a kitchen memoir, but this kind of writing - brief, topical, get-it-out-of-my-head-and-into-the-world kind of writing. And while I've never been the most loyal of bloggers, I do think I'm happier for the effort. So, we'll see how a return to blogging goes...

Food Blog linkage...

Where I read, mostly...

So, I've noticed that I am reading a lot more food blogs recently... I don't know if this is because of my relatively rural location and its accompanying lack of accessible activities (at least for someone who speaks next to no Korean)... or perhaps it is me missing American food, because no matter how much I love Korean food (a lot!), I do miss many of the things I ate in America... maybe it is not so much missing the food, as missing a sense of community I had in the States - I lived with my sisters, I saw my friends in person, I was able to talk to the vendors at the farmers markets and my favorite shops and have them understand me... whatever the reason, my food blog consumption has been up recently... so I thought I would share a list of the new sites I am loving (there are many others that I love, and have read for a long time - these are just the new ones)...

These are all "new to me" with in the last month or two, though many have been around for a while... and some of them are a bit more than just food... they tend to reflect my love for writing about life, with recipes... some I love for the beautiful photography, some for the beautiful words, many for both, actually... and they all have wonderful food... anyway, the list...

Always with Butter

Desserts for Breakfast

Eat All About It ... right now she is writing for the Seattle times at the All You Can Eat blog

Eat Like a Girl

Hollow Legs

Remedial Eating

Rowley's Whiskey Forge

The British Larder

The Yellow House

I would love to know what other people been reading more of recently... online or anywhere... please share...

List: Top Ten Favorite Musical Pieces

So in the process of pursuing one of my more recent obsessions, which shall remain nameless to prevent potential embarrassment, I came across the top ten songs of various celebrities. I had already been thinking about some of my favorites, since a change like moving halfway around the world tends to get you to reflect on what is important to you... or at least it does me ... so I decided to try to put my own list together... which was actually very difficult, as I tend to be a moody listener- what I listen to shifts with my moods... but the more I thought about it the more I was able to isolate pieces that always appeal, so - in no particular order - my top ten...

Nota Bene: Links are to YouTube... videos vary in quality... you were warned...

1. The Bach Cello Suites
These are part of the reason I went with "musical pieces" instead of just "songs", I knew I wanted to include them and I can't isolate one from the other - not because they are not distinct, but because they flow into each other, and weave themselves into my head. No matter my mood, this music fits. The are perhaps my most favorite musical work of all time, but I really hate to make definitive statements like that.

2. Song of the Banshee by Áine Minogue
Haunting, shivery, a beautiful Celtic lament... I have always love Celtic music, but Áine Minogue's album, Celtic Lamentations, came into my life when I needed some way to grieve, and tears weren't cutting it. And this song, even more than the others on the album gave wordless voice to what I couldn't say... and still does...

3.  My Song by Brandi Carlile

This song captures a sense of independence that I have always had... sometimes to my detriment, but there you go... it is also representative of a the singer/songwriter, rockin' gals (mostly), that make up the core of my current listening habits - they span quite a range of sounds, not all like this song... but like this song, they get played over and over in my playlists.

4. Barbie Girl by Aqua
Yes, I know, but I tend to enjoy a little (a lot) of irony in my music - and in my life - and besides, I associate this song with a particularly lovely summer that cemented my relationship with two of my sisters - very different bonds and roles, but made very strong that summer. And we giggled along with this song a lot. And it is so cheerfully awful- really, how could I not love it. All life should have a little absurdity now and then.

5. After All by Dar Williams
Dar, more than any other artist, represents the music of my twenties. And this song... oh, this song... line after line of it... I really can't say what all this song means to me... it goes too deep for words... not autobiography, not my life, but truth- my truth... and the more I live, the more it is my truth... "Life chose me after all."

6. Hallelujah by k.d. lang
I have loved this song in all sorts of covers and iterations, but her version is the perfection of the beauty that is this beautiful song... comfort, poignancy, life...

7. O Fortuna by Carl Orff
I love all of Carmina Burana, but the manic energy and sheer drama of O Fortuna - it so accurately represents what it is like to be inside my brain ... not all the time, but more often than I could say... actually, I'm surprised I get as much done as I do...

8. Greensleeves
My mother loved chamber and classical music and that helped to shape the tastes that I use to create my mental soundtrack... and there is something about this piece that is so intimate and clever and still a bit dramatic - really, the exact kind of thing that I love in music.

9. She by Elvis Costello
While it's true that I primarily listen to girls, I really need some guys on this list... and, oh, Elvis... the many musical stylings and genre disruptions make him a favorite anyway, but this song is so lovely... and who doesn't want to be "a hundred different things within the measure of a day"... otherwise life is just boring, right?

10. Rhythm Divine by Enrique Iglesias
And Enrique... pop-y, latin, angst-y, sexy, and there's that irony again, intentional or not ... there is so much I love about Enrique. This song is one of my early favorites of his, but I still love it... and though perhaps it is uncool, I still love most of his music. And it's great to dance to... most of his music is great for dancing, actually.

This was hard - and there is so much music that I love beyond this, and even though the 10 is an arbitrary number, these pieces really do kind of define the core of my musical loves - eclectic, bizarre, and somewhat unpredictable, with a strong preference for folk music of various stripes. One thing that surprised me was that more country music (any?) didn't make this list - I listen to a lot, and have my whole life, but reflecting on it made me realize that it is not the music that is definitive for me... odd, the things you learn about yourself...

Eccentric...

So, I have a post that is almost ready on some of my Korean adventures, but in the meantime I have been musing on this... as an Aquarian I totally own my eccentricity, but according to this week's horoscope now it's apparently time for everyone else to experience it more fully, as well.

"AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Right now you have license to make pretty much everything bigger and funnier and wickeder. Good fortune is likely to flow your way as you seek out experiences that are extra interesting and colorful and thought-provoking. This is no time for you to be shy about asking for what you want or timid about stirring up adventure. Be louder and prouder than usual. Be bolder and brighter, nosier and cozier, weirder and more whimsical. The world needs your very best idiosyncrasies and eccentricities!"

So, how about it? Which of my eccentricities does the world need to see more of...? My obsession with useless trivia? My fascination with cookbooks and food traditions? My deep enjoyment of romance novels? My tendency to interrupt with whatever bizarre path my brain has taken, regardless of the conversation's current path? My deep and somewhat irritating love for ellipses...?

A Korean Update... With Pictures!

Last Wednesday, the 7th, I got to Reagan National Airport at 4:30 am to begin my trek across the country, and then across the Pacific Ocean. The next 25 hours are lost in a blur of airpot trams, plane boardings, and too-small airplane seats. I arrived in Korea around 6 pm local time, on the 8th. After running the gauntlet of immigration, baggage claim, and customs, the very helpful information desk people helped me buy my bus ticket to the correct Gwangju (the one in Gyungki-do). They also guided me through ground transportation to the correct stop to wait for my bus. 

 I moved into my apartment on Saturday, after staying with my school director and his family for a couple days while the previous teacher moved out. As you will see from the pictures, I am not completely settled and organized... that may happen sometime around when I have to pack to leave, if I know me.

This view is standing on my bed, all the way in the opposite corner of the apartment.

This is next to the door, in front of the refrigerator.

Here's my little patio, complete with washing machine and drying rack.

And my tiny, unseparated bathroom - I'm not quite used to showering in the middle of the room yet.

I arrived for the festival of Chuseok, and so even more than normal, my Korean hosts were anxious to make sure I had enough to eat.

These are the traditional rice cakes - my favorites were the ones with sesame and honey filling.

Here we have the radish kimchi that is my new favorite food. Homemade and delicious!

I will try to get pictures of my neighborhood up next...

=)

Wordless Wednesdays: TBR, partial

Fractured and out of focus...

So, this is how I have been feeling often of late - fractured and out of focus... Unsurprisingly, I have turned to a list to try and bring myself back together...

Things occupying my mind, in no particular order, frequently simultaneously...

• Food - how to write about it, what to read next, a cogent theory of food (I can't settle on just one), what is the most healthy, the most affordable, why can't those be the same thing, and, of course, what will I be eating next.
• Teaching - I am always surprised, even having done it before and knowing what I need to do, how much time is spent thinking about the class I am teaching.
• Publishing - In following the online popular romance community, I've spent a lot more time thinking about publishing. Now that I work at an independent bookstore, I am thinking about it even more - and it is creating a bit of cognitive dissonance, because the bookseller and the reader are having to coexist inside my head.
• Writing - I am not doing enough - academic, personal, or food. I am just not. And I want to.
• Romance - the PCA Romance Area CFP went out and I am torn - I want to do something with food (maybe w/ the Louisa Edwards chef books), but I don't want to move away from Nora Roberts - there is still so much to be explored in her work.
• Reading - working in a bookstore has not helped to diminish my TBR list. My theory habit also frequently leads to new texts. And then there's food writing, and cookbooks. There are simply not enough hours in the day. And that doesn't even touch on all the active communities online that I (want to) follow.
• Employment - really more accurately my tenuous state of employment, and the high potential for future unemployment. A worry that I know is shared by many.
• Family - how much I rely on certain members of my family, and how distant I feel from others.
  
• Organization - how to keep all these pockets of my life together, and to keep me sane while I am tugged in so many different directions...
  

I think I'll go have a cuppa tea, and not think about anything for a while.